Thursday, October 1, 2009

One Begets the Other

Good morning, October. I am sitting at home--that is to say, my parents' house--living out the final days of this transition period. Get your trumpets out and brace for the fanfare, everybody, because I officially have a job. A big girl job. Salaried, with benefits. And you know what? The release I so thought I would feel from that moment, that glorious e-moment that was like Christmas for the unemployed, didn't last nearly as long as I thought. What I quickly realized after being offered the job was that one decision begets dozens of others. Where to live? What neighborhoods are good? Can I find an apartment that will finally allow me to fulfill my irrational desire to get a pet? Should I deal with a commute? This is all a process, a one step at a time kind of thing, and I don't do well with that. I like to step evenly, in rhythm, and this process is a bit more interpretive than I would prefer.

In the meantime, there has been yet another victim of this "time in my life:" my relationship. What I thought would be a clean break ended up only bending, and now I have no idea what to do. He has faith that relationships can smoothly transition from romantic to platonic, without a break in communication, without any time in our separate corners. I am less optimistic, as my last relationship was really just a series of trying to do exactly that and failing miserably. And of course my stupid rom com-poisoned heart so wants to believe in faith and fate and grand gestures. After all, is there any better time than when you're young to do crazy things? To wear trench coats and hold boom boxes over your head or drive from Boston to Stanford in some POS car your friends got you for your birthday?

Life is not a movie. Life is not a movie. Life is not a movie.

I'll find an apartment. I'll get a cat. I'll move on and I'll enjoy my pay stubs. I can savor my escapes into rose petal-filled fantasy, but what it comes down to is that all you can do is just keep on keepin' on. Do what you can with what you can control, and let the rest fall as it may. Anything else is just a wrestling match you're bound to lose.

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